A little bit of politics…

…no don’t run away just yet – this posting might be interesting for some folks and I promise not to be too boring if I can help it.

Anyone in the UK who hasn’t been in a coma or sleeping under a rock on a remote Scottish or Welsh hillside for the last couple of weeks will have noticed that there’s going to be one of those General Election things on May 6th. As everyone knows, this is the farcical arrangement whereby our political leaders spend a few weeks trying to persuade us that they’re not a bunch of clueless, cheating, lying, stealing poltroons in the hope that we’ll be insane enough to vote them into positions of power from which they will then spend the following five years proving that, yes, well actually they are a bunch of clueless, cheating, lying, stealing poltroons after all.

(As an aside, just in case anyone doesn’t know, the UK is a small country situated somewhere off the western coast of mainland Europe, chiefly famous for a bout of rapid expansionism during the 17th, 18th and 19th centuries with the practical upshot that we ended up owning, or at least controlling, large swathes of the rest of the world for some considerable time.  Although, to be fair to us, we did eventually hand most of it back pretty peacefully and we have since allowed everyone else to thrash us at most of the ball games and other individual and team sports that we either introduced or adopted as our own when we were there.)

Anyway, where was I?  Oh yes, general elections.

As many people may know, the British electoral system (which we also exported to a number of other countries – another deed for which we should probably apologise at some point) is a rather strange beast, involving the division of the country into a number of Parliamentary constituencies (around 650 of them), each of which returns one MP (Member of Parliament) to the House of Commons. This is all well and good, except for the fact that most of those MPs will be representatives of only two major political parties, plus a smaller number from the third main party and a handful of independents and other smaller party candidates. What this means in real terms is that the people of the UK don’t actually get as much choice as the number of constituencies might make you think (this is kind of like the situation in the US with the Republicans and Democrats).

Also, once the MPs are voted in, they spend most of their time toeing their respective Party lines to ensure that they don’t get in trouble with their leaders. Toeing the Party line typically means turning up to the occasional debate, spouting absolutely any old rubbish (so long as it’s the official Party policy), making loud grumbling and neighing noises whenever anyone from one of the other parties says anything and then voting whichever way your Party leadership tells you.  You are, of course, allowed to vote as you see fit – whether that’s down to strong personal beliefs or representations from your constituents – but the unfortunate side-effect of not toeing the Party line is that the leadership will then conveniently overlook you whenever there’s a chance of a nice promotion into a cushy, well-paid job such as Senior Minister for Potatoes (or whatever).  So, if you know which side your financial bread is buttered on, you do as the boss says.  After all, if you get voted out next time around, you want to be sure that you have been in some nice senior position in the meantime so that you can build up the old bank account, stuff your personal pension fund and line up a few lucrative company directorships and public speaking contracts for when you finally get the heave-ho.

This is sort of like democracy, but not quite.

However – and unfortunately for our current crop of political types – the rather large cat has recently been let out of the bag. Pretty much everyone in the country knew, or at least suspected, that our politicians were a bit sleazy and had a tendency to stick both feet in the trough while they were in power.  Over the last year or two though, the precise extent of this self-aggrandizing and pocket-lining tendency has fallen fully into public view.

They’ve been fiddling their expenses left, right and centre; doing anything and everything they could to ensure that they could continue to rake in the cash both during and after their time in power; turning a blind eye to the disgraceful goings-on of their financial donors and assorted corporate chums in the City and the banking sector; and, in some cases, openly volunteering to steer legislation in directions that are favourable to lobbyists and other corporate concerns (all in return for money and more company directorships, of course).  Oh, and while doing this, many of them have been constantly denying that it was going on or that they had, in any way, shape or form, been doing anything wrong. Except that they’ve been caught red-handed and we all know about it now.

Not surprisingly, they’re not a particularly popular bunch with the British people at the moment. And it’s going to take an awful lot of doorstep glad-handing, incompetent Facebooking, tedious Twittering and cringeworthy live TV debating to turn that one around.  All of which got me thinking…what would I really want from our political leaders?  What do I want the next Government to do with their five years in power? And I came to a terrible realization.  While it is true that I have a pretty low regard for politicians as a general species (see most of the above, for example), I do – in my heart of hearts – actually want them to get it right!  I want this country to have a strong and competent Government.  I want the people in charge to do the right things at the right time, as far as possible.  But, given what we’ve seen over the last couple of years, there’s obviously a lot of ground to make up here so we’ve got to start with the basics.

So, to start the ball rolling, I give you my Open Letter to All UK Political Parties and Candidates. This isn’t just for one or two parties, or one or two people, it’s for all of them.  Yes, they’re the Thoughts of Chairman Adrian (if you will), but I think they’re all generally good ideas and if our politicians adopted some, or all, of them they might find that the people of the UK become a bit better disposed towards the people in power.  (Warning, there will be lots of exclamation marks in what follows.  It will look a bit shouty.  Perhaps it is…)

1. Stop Lying! When you’re asked a difficult question, don’t weasel around trying to massage it into something that you can fit around your current Party dogma.  Don’t try to dodge it and blame the other party or the last Government or the state of the world economy or the mythical King of the Potato People.  Just answer the damned question!
2. When you do something wrong, admit it and apologise! When your lack of real-world experience places you in the position of not knowing what you’re doing and you then make some kind of stupid decision that causes social, economic or environmental problems, be prepared to admit it!  Say you’re sorry, that you made a mistake and that you will try not to be so stupid again.  If it’s a really major cock-up, then by all means resign, but most importantly just accept that you screwed up and say sorry! Don’t try to blame the other party, or the last Government or some unsuspecting civil servant or minor official – just own up to your own failings and apologise!
3. Don’t fiddle your expenses and payments! Look, you’re already being paid two or three times the average national wage for doing what you do (and that’s if you’re just a basic, back-bench MP – if you’re something more senior, you’re already raking it in compared to most of the people who live in this country). On top of that, there are all kinds of legitimate expenses that you can claim – some of which you probably shouldn’t be able to, but I’m prepared to overlook all that if you just claim what you’re entitled to and don’t try to fiddle the system for all the extras!  And while we’re on the subject, when you’re interviewed on the TV and radio about the expenses fiddling, don’t try to justify your pilfering tendencies by saying that MPs are poorly paid.  Like I said, you’re already paid far more than most people in the UK and you even get to vote your own pay rises every year – so don’t have the out-and-out gall to say there’d be less expense-fiddling if you were better paid!  It’s not true in any real sense and is offensive to lots of people who earn a lot less than you do (and, in many cases, do much more important jobs and do them a damned sight better too)!
4. Represent the best interests of your constituents and the country as a whole! Don’t just toe the dogmatic Party line – accept that criticism can be constructive, even if it’s coming from the other side of the political divide.  Yes, there will be times when your critics are disagreeing with you because they’re trying to score some kind of political point, but there will also be times when they’re disagreeing with you because what you’re trying to do is stupid, pointless or just plain wrong! And don’t just listen to one-issue pressure groups or jump to whatever cuckoo tune the media are currently playing.  Think about what is the right thing to do – not the one that shuts up the noisy minority, not the one that keeps you “on-side” with the Party hierarchy, but what is morally, economically and socially right for the majority.  Even if that means disagreeing with your own Party faithful or accepting that you might need to change your own mind over an issue, rather than ploughing on in a spirit of sublime, overweening arrogance.  Just try to do what’s right to the best of your knowledge and ability.
5. Party leaders – don’t criticise, ostracise or sideline MPs or other Party members if they’re not toeing the Party line.  See the point above and realise that, sometimes, the people who are disagreeing with you might be doing so for very good reasons and you should, perhaps, take a closer look at what they’re saying.  Particularly if they’re members of your own Party!
6. Accept that, sometimes, you will have to do unpopular or difficult things.  Taxes may sometimes have to rise or services may have to be cut or awkward decisions may have to be taken.  When those times come, just do it and explain clearly why you had to do it.  Don’t blame everyone else and don’t try to weasel your way around it by trying to hide the facts.  Just be straight with us.  In particular, don’t deny what you’re doing or say that you’re never going to need to do it because  you’ve got a pocketful of magical beans that can make all the nastiness go away.  Life isn’t like that and no-one will believe you if you try to tell us it is.  We’ll be more accepting of you if you’re honest and admit that it’s all gone a bit pear-shaped and that we’re going to suffer some inconvenience while you’re sorting it out.
7. Finally, and I know I’m repeating myself here but this one is really important, STOP LYING (see point 1 above).

Now, I can probably think of a few others, but I reckon that’s enough to be going on with.  What do you think?